I must admit, baby fever has gotten pretty intense for me in the last few months. All I can think about is what my future child will be like. What will he/she look like? Will he/she have my hair or eyes? Will he/she act like his/her potential father? Matter of fact, who will his/her father be? I guess I just want to feel the love of a child. My own child to love. Recently, my little cousin had a baby and she is so adorable. My little Nori (my little cousin's baby girl) overwhelms me with happiness when I hold her. The first time I held her, she held my finger and I couldn't stop smiling. Its been so long since I have experienced that rushing feeling of happiness. When I hold her, I just imagine myself with my own child. The feeling is amazing. While my little cousin is only 16, with plans to care for this child with her child's father by living off their parents, I realize I am not yet ready for a child. Just watching her try to manipulate people into caring for her child because she is unable to is alarming. It has rung a bell in my head that repeatedly sings "you're not ready. Babies are cute but you're not ready." And that voice in my head is 100% correct. I am not ready for a child. But yet, how wonderful it will be to have a child. I haven't experienced the party life, but I am already over it. I don't like drinking nor would I like smoking so let's count those out. Although it seems my roaring twenties are over, I am just not mentally ready for a child nor am I where I need to be in life to care for one. I do not want to ride on the bus with my future children because I do not drive. I do not want to have to ask my parents for money to buy diapers and formula for my child because my job isn't enough to support us both. I do not commend living off others to support the lives you chose to lay down and conceive. Excuse my ramble but that is my opinion on it. For now, I can dream about my future children and pray that they are as precious as my Nori. But I will not be giving birth until I am settled. I think because I am so young and many of the people I went to high school have children already is sort of the influence of why I want a child. Baby fever slips in and out of my mind at this age. One minute I want a baby. The next minute I'm slamming the idea into the concrete screaming "children are annoying." Until the day I can fully commit myself to another being to bare a child with him, I will continue to grind for these three college degrees. I figure the more I stay busy with school, the more I can keep my mind focused on preparing myself to give my future children the best life possible and enjoying mine.
On a brighter note,
congrats to all of the new mothers in 2014!
Enjoy the simple, beautiful moments your family will share :)