I could feel sorry for myself.
Tell you I'm the reason my relationships end after one month.
Tell you I didn't do enough to keep my boyfriend around.
I didn't do enough to make him happy.
Tell you that being a virgin is probably the biggest downfall of my relationships.
But if I told you that, I'd be lying.
Dear self, as a young woman in a fucked up generation, you tend to blame yourself when your relationship crumble into pieces. Thinking maybe, just maybe, you could have done a little bit more to make him stay. Truth of the matter is you couldn't. No matter what you would have done differently in your relationship, it still would have ended the same. When a man wants to cheat, he'll cheat. When he wants to walk away and leave you lonely, he'll do so. But if you continue to allow him to come back in your life after he has hurt you or played you, you're hurting yourself more than he is.
He began dating his new girl, the one he lied to me about, right after I broke up with him. He didn't even say a word when I broke up with him. Everything from October, what happened, is beginning to seem like a blur. The pain and all. Sometimes I wonder what he says about me to other girls. Like does he tell his current, "she hurt me badly. Broke up with me because she was insecure and bitter. I didn't like her anyway." Because he's the furthest thing from honest. A very good smooth talker. I'm not surprised.
I am learning that I hurt myself more by allowing him to run in and out of my life. I'm learning how hard it is to let go and never allow that person to come back. Even if we dated for a month, that shit still had a huge impact over me. The way he acted towards me was cold-hearted and rude. I didn't expect it. & without closure, it really makes it hard to let go but through prayer and being constantly busy, I'm sure I'll close this open wound once more. I just won't allow this to happen again. This won't be me again.
Closure comes from within. I must forgive myself in order to forgive him. Instead of making the same mistake over and over again, I must learn from the mistake, let it go and move on. That's exactly what I am going to do. He can't come back anymore.