The month of January has been entirely too hard on my family and I. I would have never guessed any of the things I'm about to tell you is/has been happening to me since returning to school.
College is unbearable. I thought I could handle 5 classes and working 15 hours a week but I don't think I can. The work in Chemistry and Statistics is overwhelming and I'm forced to be social in Interpersonal Communications. I don't think I'm ready for the online course that begins on March 17th. Please pray for me. This is hard. Besides that, losing my great grandmother on 1/22 has had a crazy effect on my school work. On 1/22, the day of my cultural artifact presentation, I found out my Nanny (as we called her) had passed away WHILE I was on my way to school. I had a breakdown in the advising office during which people were watching. Afterwards, I had to get my mind right for my presentation by channeling my thoughts elsewhere. This worked for awhile until I got to Chemistry class (which is before my Interpersonal class) and my mind began to wonder. After class, I decided it was too cold to walk across campus to my second class so I took the shuttle bus. The shuttle bus didn't stop at the building I needed (like it was supposed to) so I ended up arguing with the driver and missing my class and presentation. I was devastated. I gave up and went home. On the bright side, my Interpersonal teacher understood my situation and gave me a few extensions on work. As well as my supervisor but that's for another section. As for the other teachers, they never replied to my emails. I guess I have to devote my all into this. All or nothing.
Work is awesome. I love my coworkers and my supervisor. Speaking of which, I received a signed sympathy card today from my coworkers, my supervisor and the police chief at my college. It was really unexpected and I began to cry. It was sweet of them to show that they cared and I absolutely love them for it. As I've said my job is pretty easy. A lot of down time but more importantly, I get along with everyone there. But this card, this card means a lot to me. I am forever grateful.
Dating relationships are crazy. First, let me say that my guy crush has moved to Columbus and our communication has been off. I know that he likes me a lot but I be so busy and after my family loss, I wanted nothing to do with anyone so I shut him out. I guess the worst part is I don't want a long distance relationship so I'm not big on trying to discuss being together because I can't see doing the whole long distance thing.. Maybe its just me and my trust issues. Secondly, on 1/22, I DM'd my ex on Twitter because I needed to vent. Although what he did to me was fucked, he and I will always have this thing where we can talk to each other about any and everything. Besides, I needed a friend and none of mine were answering me. So after venting and he offered his ear, he wound up asking me to attend his going away party. Out of curiosity I asked where was he going. He told me he was moving to Phoenix. I played it cool but inside, I died a lot more than I would have if I didn't lose my Nanny on that same day. I quit messaging him. I was hurt. He's moving to Arizona with the same female who he cheated on me with. Okay, yeah, he had feelings for her he never let go of and I should have considered this before saying yes to being his girlfriend BUT he promised me he wouldn't hurt me again. He promised nothing would come between us and this was the real deal for him. He promised me that as long as I'm trying, he will too. Well, I believed him because I've known him for 2 years. I was here before her.. But for her, he broke each promise. From there, I cut myself off from love. & now you're telling me you want to see me one last time before you move across the country to be with her? Why?
Health is unhealthy. Let's just say after all of this, my mental health is screaming for relief. My self-esteem has been destroyed, my heart is mad at me for allowing the lesson of making more memories to be taken for granted AGAIN and I hate that I keep having reoccurring headaches. It scares me.
Friendships are just BLAH. Out of ALL my friends, about 5/6 were actually there for me during my hard time. I know I keep losing people close to me but that is in no way my fault. IDC if you don't deal well with death. If you're not there for me during my hard time, why should I be there for you? If I want to be alone and shut myself down for a day or two, who are you to tell me that I can't? I know its unhealthy, but I deal with everyone's problems and never give time for my own. I always put myself on the back burner for my friends and for them to tell me I don't be there enough? THEY GOT ME ALL KINDS OF FUCKED UP! Excuse my language but I can't continue to take on everyone else's issues while still dealing with my own. Maybe I need to reevaluate my friends because it seems most of them are just out for themselves.
(quick add-in) Family is a mess. My family has fallen apart due to the death of my great grandmother. A perfectly healthy 92 year old woman passed away from "natural causes" on my long-time best fiend's 20th birthday (1/22). I received the news on my way to school and was the one to deliver the news to my mother. That's hard as hell to deal with. This whole ordeal was too much for me. I felt guilty and selfish. Selfish because I thought my Nanny would always be around and guilty because I should have visited her more often. I should have been asking all about the stories of her life so when she passed away we'd know these things. I wanted to be able to pass down those stories to future generations. I wanted to know about her mother, her sisters, her father, her upbringing, the reason she was always so happy and willingly to love you with open arms. I'm guilty of being "too busy" when in reality I was never doing anything. People keep telling me don't live with the guilt but I had this lesson before, how the hell did I let it slip? So I'll leave it at that. Today was the funeral. The real deal funeral. It was held in a church she had been a member of for 62 years and also the same church we had my little brother's funeral. As I sat on the benches, I had flashbacks from my little brother's funeral. I was only eight when he passed away so I don't remember nothing more than tears, him in his pretty blue casket and little suit and holding my dad as he cried.. As I sat in the benches today, I realized I will never see my great grandmother again and I will never know the answers to the numerous of questions I had. I had opportunities to find out but its no one's fault but my own. & for that, I am sincerely sorry Nanny... Apart from that, the service was beautiful. She would have loved it. I believe it went exactly how she would have wanted it. Before my great grandmother passed away, well years before, she had already planned out her funeral: the arrangements, the speakers, the flowers, coffin, dress and everything needed. It was a beautiful pink funeral... & the way the sun shined in the church, it was more of celebrating her life than mourning her death. As a family we all cried together and held each other together. That's why I love family. There aren't words to explain how beautiful the reflections were from people who have known my Nanny for more than 50 years. She touched many lives during her lifetime; her life wasn't in vain. Finally after the service, we went to the cemetery where she will be laid to rest next to her son (and shes very close to my other great grandparents). After the speech, we all took roses from her pretty pink arrangement and said our last farewell.. As we drove off, I looked in the back window as they lowered her into the ground. I broke down crying then..and as I type this and remember those emotions, I break down crying now. I do a lot to hold in my tears..
Well that's my life in a nutshell..
P.S. I would like to say that my grandmother is the strongest woman in my life. She didn't cry during this last week. At least not in front of any of us. However, I did notice her get up during the funeral service to go to the restroom. As I tried to follow, I was stopped to hold my mother as she cried. I've never seen my grandmother cry but I believe nobody deserves to cry alone. I want her to know that we're always here for her for support. I love that woman. Her character is impeccable. Shes my inspiration. Furthermore, my cousins, my grandmother and my mom all gave our lives to the Lord today. Meaning this girl here is getting baptized on Sunday. Honestly, I've been running from it since 6th grade. But in order to get into Heaven, I must get my life right from the beginning as my Nanny would have wanted. Everything that I do from here on out will be in the best interest of my Angels. I miss them so much...
