Its all falling apart. Broken into pieces... & I'm not sure how to piece them back together.
I randomly thought of this quote while imagining "college" as an actual person. I'm struggling to stay afloat in the water after being so rudely thrown off the boat by "college." I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm so unmotivated to go to school or do any classwork. Sometimes I imagine myself passing out at work just to go home and wallow in bed. To make things extremely worse, I'm not even motivated by the news that if I pass this semester and next semester with good grades, I can submit my application to be reviewed for a seat in the Medical Assisting Program at my college. I should be extremely motivated right now to pass my classes but for some odd reason that I'm not sure of, I'm feeling more hopeless and alone than I can handle.
Last Tuesday, classes began for me and I have already managed to miss two days. Thinking of returning to that place makes me want to pull my hair out. I haven't felt this way about school since high school. I don't know what's going on. Maybe its the fact that my teachers aren't really willingly to help their students out if they don't understand something. They encourage us to learn from our peers & I hate that shit. Its not the student's job to teach another student, it's the fucking teacher's... We're paying you millions of dollars for what?
Anyway, I have classes on Tuesdays, Thursdays & Friday mornings. I work on Mondays, Wednesdays & Saturdays. Sundays tend to be all about myself and homework. At least I imagined it that way. So far its not going that way. Lord knows I need to get myself together before I take a downward spiral into a depression I so desperately pulled myself out of and fuck up everything I've already accomplished. I can't turn to my family. They won't understand. My friends won't understand. Teachers won't care. & the person who guided me into college would be pissed if she knew I changed my major from what she intended I should do. I have no one else to turn to.
I wish I didn't feel like giving up. I hate that I feel this way. Maybe its best if I just take a semester off... but what if I never go back? I need help...
Last Tuesday, classes began for me and I have already managed to miss two days. Thinking of returning to that place makes me want to pull my hair out. I haven't felt this way about school since high school. I don't know what's going on. Maybe its the fact that my teachers aren't really willingly to help their students out if they don't understand something. They encourage us to learn from our peers & I hate that shit. Its not the student's job to teach another student, it's the fucking teacher's... We're paying you millions of dollars for what?
Anyway, I have classes on Tuesdays, Thursdays & Friday mornings. I work on Mondays, Wednesdays & Saturdays. Sundays tend to be all about myself and homework. At least I imagined it that way. So far its not going that way. Lord knows I need to get myself together before I take a downward spiral into a depression I so desperately pulled myself out of and fuck up everything I've already accomplished. I can't turn to my family. They won't understand. My friends won't understand. Teachers won't care. & the person who guided me into college would be pissed if she knew I changed my major from what she intended I should do. I have no one else to turn to.
I wish I didn't feel like giving up. I hate that I feel this way. Maybe its best if I just take a semester off... but what if I never go back? I need help...
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ReplyDeleteHi Brigette,
DeleteThank you for your comment and empathy. I'm sorry to hear that you're in the same boat. Trust me it gets better. My situation did improve. Turns out I needed a mini break from everything. I was worn out and overworked. Maybe that's what you need. Time to get yourself together and think things through. I hope it gets better for you love. I know how bad this can be.
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DeleteIm feeling the same way right now my dear. It is overwhelming to think that I dont know what I am doing and Im thinking f dropping out of school even though I have a full ride. Anyone and their mother would call me a idiot.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comment. I'm glad I'm not alone. You're not an idiot. You have to do what's best for you. We only live once and we're bound to make mistakes. I say try sticking it out the rest of the semester. You got this! You may just need a semester off.
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