Confessions of an Unmotivated College Student

Its all falling apart. Broken into pieces... & I'm not sure how to piece them back together.

I randomly thought of this quote while imagining "college" as an actual person. I'm struggling to stay afloat in the water after being so rudely thrown off the boat by "college." I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm so unmotivated to go to school or do any classwork. Sometimes I imagine myself passing out at work just to go home and wallow in bed. To make things extremely worse, I'm not even motivated by the news that if I pass this semester and next semester with good grades, I can submit my application to be reviewed for a seat in the Medical Assisting Program at my college. I should be extremely motivated right now to pass my classes but for some odd reason that I'm not sure of, I'm feeling more hopeless and alone than I can handle.

Last Tuesday, classes began for me and I have already managed to miss two days. Thinking of returning to that place makes me want to pull my hair out. I haven't felt this way about school since high school. I don't know what's going on. Maybe its the fact that my teachers aren't really willingly to help their students out if they don't understand something. They encourage us to learn from our peers & I hate that shit. Its not the student's job to teach another student, it's the fucking teacher's... We're paying you millions of dollars for what?

Anyway, I have classes on Tuesdays, Thursdays & Friday mornings. I work on Mondays, Wednesdays & Saturdays. Sundays tend to be all about myself and homework. At least I imagined it that way. So far its not going that way. Lord knows I need to get myself together before I take a downward spiral into a depression I so desperately pulled myself out of and fuck up everything I've already accomplished. I can't turn to my family. They won't understand. My friends won't understand. Teachers won't care. & the person who guided me into college would be pissed if she knew I changed my major from what she intended I should do. I have no one else to turn to.

I wish I didn't feel like giving up. I hate that I feel this way. Maybe its best if I just take a semester off... but what if I never go back? I need help...

Meeting RaVaughn Brown (Compound U's Very Own)

I honestly don't know how to start this post. I'm still excited about meeting RaVaughn! Its like I'm reliving the whole moment by just thinking of it. Back in April, I posted about RaVaughn's single, "Best Friend," after discovering she had visited a nearby radio station just a day before I fell in love with her music. Ever since I've been I was sadden by the thought but I remained positive. Who would've known four months later she'd be back?

On August 24th, 2013, RaVaughn and another artist was set to perform for the Hot 97.3 Car & Bike Show, held at WF Mall. The day before the event, I was super happy until I realized I had to work on the day she would be stopping by to perform. Bummer, right? I woke up early the next morning contemplating on what to do. I knew I wouldn't be able to make it to RaVaughn's performance at 6 if my job didn't close my location until 5. I wouldn't have made it there before she performed and I would have had to meet in her my sweaty, ugly uniform. That was not happening. I began to tweet her on Twitter and ask if she would be taking pictures with fans. She replied, "OF COURSE!!!!!" RaVaughn's reply left me with only one option: call off of work and go to the car show. So, I did. 

As the day went by, I continued to @ RaVaughn on Twitter & ask her questions while preparing to go see her perform. I wanted to be sure she remembered me that day! There was no way I was missing the opportunity to meet someone I admired so much. You would've thought I was kid in the candy store when she walked out on the stage. I was in the front row (behind some rude people), recording every minute of every second. RaVaughn's performance was amazing. As in my previous post, I stated that I LOVE RaVaughn's voice live... But being in the audience of that live performance made me want to faint. Her voice is like one of an angel!! I first hand experienced what Beyonce meant by "Put that damn camera phone down. I am in your face, baby. You gotta seize the moment." I did seize the moment of RaVaughn's performance and it is a memory I'll never forget. Plus I knew all the lyrics and she pointed & smiled at me during one of her songs because of it!! Yup, I fangirled.

After her performance, RaVaughn did a meet & greet w/ pictures (sort of). I won't go into negative details about the pictures part or how rude the DJ or whomever was because it doesn't matter. We were all blessed to have met her. Skipping ahead, we were allowed three to a picture with RaVaughn. Only the radio station's camera & yours must be off or away. When it was my turn, my best friend Tia & I took a picture with her for the radio station. Tia knew how much this meant to me. Heck, she didn't even wanna go. She did it all for me. She stepped back and allowed me to have my moment (which I owe her SO much for - extremely grateful). RaVaughn hugged me and our conversation (that means everything to me) went like this:

RaVaughn: Thank you so much for coming out.

Me: You're welcome. You were amazing. I'm sorry for blowing up your mentions today on Twitter!

RaVaughn: Oh that was you? Awww girl, thank you!! Get your phone & let's take a picture!

-yup I fangirled. I got my phone & Twy B. (her outfit was so dope) took our picture-

I thanked her a million times and she hugged me again & said, "Post that picture on Twitter and @ me & I'll follow you back." I said, "Omg really?" She said, "Yup! I love you for being a fan! Thanks so much for coming out."

Best feeling in the world! I was so excited I literally screamed once we had walked away (the music was loud so nobody noticed). I was sooo happy. I still am. & she did keep her word. I tweeted the picture of us maybe 30 mins after I had met her and she had followed me back like she said.

I shrieked in the Disney Store in the mall when I saw this! Despite not being able to get a signed hard copy of her EP or a signed poster at the car show, I got something better: a personal photo with RaVaughn and the memory of how sweet she is! I must thank TeamRaVaughn on Twitter for all of their help and well wishes! They helped to make it possible that I got my picture with RaVaughn! Alongside all of this, I'm in love with the fact that RaVaughn isn't like other performers. She performs with confidence and you can hear the joy in her heart when she belts out those notes! Performing makes her happy and you can tell! She's a beautiful soul with a humble personality to match. I'm so grateful to have met her!! I'm so happy she was the first performer I've ever see live and I'd do this whole experience over if I could. Let's just hope my job doesn't read this lol.

(Picture of us after the show. Left to right: Tia, RaVaughn & me)

P.S. The city that I live in is extremely small but geez, I would've never guessed RaVaughn had family here! That's so awesome.

To hear more of RaVaughn Brown, Compound University's Own, visit:

Website: ItsRaVaughn.com

YouTube: RaVaughnVEVO

Twitter: @itsRaVaughn

Facebook: RavaughnOfficial

Fanpage (made by a fan for fans): @TeamRaVaughn

Dear Diary...

It was the most romantic night of my life. I'll say my life because I've never experienced anything like that night before. In a previous post I mentioned how Old Fashioned dating is dead and how I dreamed of meeting a guy who believes in them. Well, I also mentioned "him" in the post before this. "He" is wonderful.

It all began on the morning of August 2nd. He called me and woke me up to say I had been on his mind. I thought it was sweet. As the conversation progressed, he told me that he had been texting me and I never responded. I had forgot to unblock his number on two different applications. When I get mad at a person, I will block that person from contacting me in every way possible. Anyway, after unblocking his texts, he asked if I was busy that night. I casually said, "no, I'm not busy. Wassup?" He said, "let's go to the movies and see The Conjuring." I quickly denied that offer and suggested another. Scary movies are definitely the least watched movies on my list. Yet he insisted and soon I agreed. After panning out the details with him, we hung up and went about our business. I was praying he forgot about the movies while he was anxious that we'd go.

Around 7:39 pm, he arrived outside of my apartment to pick me up. We headed to the mall to go see The Conjuring. In my mind this wasn't a date, but in his mind, it was. I've never been the girl to allow people to spend large amounts of money on me so I didn't mind when he hinted that he wanted me to pay for my ticket (mine was cheaper anyway). Nervous that I may have an emotional breakdown during the movie BECAUSE OF THE MOVIE, I tried to keep as still as possible and not speak. He could tell I was scared.

The movie wasn't "so" bad. There were parts where I screamed, covered my face or wiped my eyes to avoid scary parts while he laughed at my reactions to the movie. I had to ask "what the hell was is funny" at one point and he laughed and said "you." He found my fear of scary movies to be cute. How rude?! So I asked if he'd hold my hand, he agreed. Unlucky for him I squeezed his hand like a woman in labor, giving birth to a really heavy baby. Odd image, I know! We hurried out right after the movie to avoid traffic. Unsure of what to do next, he began to drive downtown. I sat back in the passenger seat and watched all the lights we passed by, unsure of where we were heading.

Soon we pulled up and parked next to the boating docks. He handed me his hoodie and hopped out of his truck. I followed. We walked past the little section I knew of the docks towards a hotel next door to my favorite downtown building. The city I live in is small. I was pretty sure I had seen everything downtown before until this night. As we walked, he told me stories and caught me up on his life. I was a bit too amused by how well lit and beautiful the High Level and Veteran's Skyway bridges were.

I had never seen this side of the docks before. I didn't even know we had a lighthouse! Anyway, he and I walked alongside the docking area until we reached the tall, glass 5/3rd banking headquarters (I believe). As a child I had always admired this building. Its my favorite building downtown. Being so close to it gave me chills. It was even more beautiful at night. As we sat along the water we talked about what went wrong between us. I realized I still do love him... Just not sure what I want to do about it. Ever since August 2nd, my head has been loopsy. I don't know how to feel.