Lately, the storm has come back in and has pulled me under.. but this time, its worse. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to go to work. I honestly don't want to leave bed. My depression has pulled me so deep down in the ocean that I couldn't think straight when I woke up this morning. I simply kept pressing the snooze button. I wasn't ready for reality. But the moment I did get up, I cried. I cried all morning. I never stopped crying. I felt my life has no meaning. I am only at peace when I'm laying in bed at night listening to the rain hit my window. I don't feel like I'm living anymore. I'm just in existence... while everyone else moves on with their lives... I'm just here.
Most of all it hurts to watch your mother cry because she doesn't know how to help. No one wants to hear their child say they'd prefer to be dead or they can't handle life anymore. As a mother, her heart was broken. & to add insult to injury, I hated myself for doing that to her.
Sidenote: This was written Sept 5th, 2014. This was sitting in my drafts because I was nervous to post it. I was scared of what people may think of me. I didn't want to be judged. Three months ago, I didn't want to 'feel' anymore. Life was becoming too much of a hassle for me. But as you can see, I fought through it. I'm posting this in regards to 'what if someone is googling this right now to see if anyone else feels their pain?' (I've done this multiple times so that's why I am posting). Well, I do feel your pain. But things do get better with time. There isn't a time stamp on things but things do get better. I'm still fighting to be here today. "Just keep swimming" is what I tell myself each day.
"Just keep swimming...."
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